The murder of Sarah Everard in London prompted the above trending hashtag over on twitter yesterday and subsequently this special email today. After spending most of yesterday doing research I decided that it wasn’t my place to write this piece but ask a number of friends to do this with me. To them, I am deeply indebted for their time, trust and words. Also, I started asking them around 8pm last night, so whilst this could have included more voices the lack thereof lies entirely with me.
To give some context, Sarah Everard was murdered because she was a woman, by a man. As incomprehensible and heinous as this act of violence is, it’s infuriatingly and sadly merely representative of the fact the Femicice/Gendercide stands for the fact that intimate partner violence affects 3 in 10 women over a lifetime, and it is estimated that 13.5% of homicides globally involved intimate partners, and these percentage of killings are gendered. 1
Importantly, whilst Sarah Everard’s murder prompted this, it is hugely important to note that this is not a singular event, sexual abuse, attacks and the murder of women happens daily, around the globe and whilst this is not the time, nor place, to bring in a race / geographical location aspect to this, the media’s role in reporting this, is. I am aware of this and I am sure you are also. One simply has to read up about the situation surrounding violence towards women in Mexico, India or Saudi Arabia, for example, and the total lack of media coverage here in the West to see where I am getting at.
Additionally, a little personal context, my sister has been a victim of decade long sexual assault both within and outside of her relationship. Not that this sad fact makes me more of an expert on the issue, but from early adulthood onwards I had to face this fact and reflect my own role in the violent dynamic that us men create in this world. Nevertheless, I don’t feel I do enough and again, aside from this introduction, I wanted to hear from friends about this rather than give another man’s opinion.
Lastly, and more importantly, ever since news of the murder made it to the public, the online sphere was flooded with the above hashtag and it pissed me off beyond description. Rather than focusing on the facts, too many men took it upon themselves to deflect that the reality that yes, even if you think this does not apply to you, women are rightfully still scared of you. A friends tweet really nailed it when he said this yesterday:
I couldn’t agree more and that’s all I am going to say about this for now. Moving on, I asked a number of friends to write a few words about this subject and I urge you, especially the large number male readers on here, to read them, think about the words and yourself and our role in all this. My point is that women don’t owe us shit, even if this sort of behaviour doesn’t apply to you - and before you take that claim for yourself, sit down with a number of your female friends and ask, their feedback about you personally might surprise you - and WE MEN owe them.
Joy Howard:
According to the UN, 80% of women in the UK have experienced sexual harassment, and for every incident that's egregious enough to qualify as harassment, there are so many more slights, insults, biases, prejudices that women must navigate every single day. Any woman who thinks they haven't experienced misogyny just needs to wait. As Meghan Markle recently said, "I asked myself why this was happening to me, and the answer was, it's because I'm breathing."
Is it really possible that all women experience sexism yet not all men take part? Seems unlikely. Men should worry less about professing their innocence and more about trying to help. Men's defensiveness usually ends up further victimizing women. Instead, shut up and listen until you're ready to speak up as an ally or take meaningful action toward a world in which women can experience the freedom that men take for granted every day.
Rip Bambi:
‘Not all men’, often an exasperated sound byte recycled in response to the demands for the safety of women, is in and of itself a statement that calls for the separation of ‘men’ and ‘men who commit crimes against women’. We already see time over that cisgendered, white, het men garner significant protections by society, including when it comes to their behaviour with, and attitudes towards, women. The use of ‘not me’ serves to simply cut a cord. The us-and-them of ‘nice guys’ and otherwise. It also serves to deny any instilled internalised behaviours and misogyny that needs to be addressed. The statement is far too polarised, assuming that direct, physical harm is the only type that can be perpetuated. If the first and only response men provide is to absolve themselves of guilt, it simply shows an unwillingness to take proper action when it comes to addressing, or even acknowledging, that there is work that can be done by them, too. Naturally, the men the patriarchy was founded and upheld under are by far the voices most heard. These are voices women need allyship from, as well as a realisation and acceptance of toxic behaviours, passed down through the roots of patriarchy as a whole.
While the system of abuse is deeply ingrained, bored into men almost subconsciously from the media and outdated narratives around them, the work must be done faster. Without immediate revolution, there are no fast ways to provide to reach the aims of equality immediately, nor to pick apart the seams of anti-women values revered and upheld for generations. Whilst we remain under such, men need to realise the privilege they hold in their positions of influence, and use it to begin to dismantle the harmful systems put against women from conception.
Diversify who you listen to. Actively seek the opinion and voices of our activists. Especially those who are undesirable, under a white patriarchy, in marginalised communities. Listen and accept the truths of their experience, even when they can seem damning or unfairly placed (again, a harmful tool of denial). The only reason these issues should be taken personally is if you willingly continue to be naive to the issues when presented with the opportunity to change. Women’s voices are out there and they are all providing tools and resources men need to assist us in our fight for safety and equality. Make it your moral obligation to help them be heard. Pay close attention to conversations around you, and don’t simply sweep them away if they make for uncomfortable topics.
Nothing good ever came from staying comfortable, unless that is for the benefit of men.
Sophie Mo:
With so many practical advise going around on how to make women feel safer at night (or any time of the day), and as much as we are grateful for this knowledge finally spreading, it is a much deeper rooted issue that won't be erased if a couple of nice dudes with common sense start crossing the road in the dark to avoid pacing behind women on their own.
No one likes confrontation unless you know you're in the right, so it's easier to avoid the subject rather than deal with what you know for sure is going to go downhill. I'm afraid it's time for you to get uncomfortable - I don't care if it affects the dynamic within your friend group, your workplace, your family, your boyfriend, yourself. Step the fuck up, and not through re-sharing instagram stories for digital bonus points. I have seen and heard how painfully different reactions are when men are getting called out on their shit by women versus men. Talk to your mates. Yes you might end up breaking up with your friends. This behaviour can no longer be tolerated.
Lani Lee:
Here’s the thing about #notallmen....
You’re right it’s not all men supporting women in ways that cause conflict or discomfort in their own lives and relationships.
Do you step in and tell other men when their behavior is problematic? Remember rape culture isn’t just about the physical act of rape or assault sexual or otherwise, it’s also about all the ways men feel entitled to women’s time, sexual interest, free labor, etc...
Change is the responsibility of #allmen
Our safety is the responsibility of #allmen
Cecily Furlong / FourFires:
Every day women make small changes to their regular routine, just for self preservation. Crossing the street when the see a stranger walking toward them, waiting to venture out to their parked car until there are more people around, tucking their car keys between their fingers for defense, making sure not to glance down at their phones while they walk in case they’re caught off guard, sharing their location with a friend because they don’t know what may happen if they don’t. While they may seem like inconsequential inconveniences; this is daily life for a woman. Being on alert. Being defensive. Being ready to fight for their lives at any given moment. Just for something as simple as a trip to the grocery or a quick run in the park. The “Not All Men” narrative reinforces the fact that men will truly never understand what that feels like.
To turn that phrase on its head; Not all men have to carry pepper spray. Not all men have to consider what they wearing because it may “attract” negative or abusive attention. Not all men have to wait until it looks safe before they walk from their place of work to their car. Not all men have to constantly worry that they’ll be assaulted or raped for simply being alive. “Not All Men” is not helpful. It’s doesn’t make you special. It doesn’t prove you’re “one of the good ones.” What does show that is action and accountability. Maybe you’re not the problem; but I’m sure someone that you know is.
Hold your friends accountable; don’t encourage misogynistic behavior. This can be as simple as correcting a friends sexist joke in private or his cat-calling a woman in public. Do not normalize abusive language and misogynistic rhetoric. EVEN if no one is around to hear it; it is still not OK. Speak up.
Don’t be a silent bystander. If you see something that looks dangerous or abusive; do what you can to safely assist. This doesn’t mean putting yourself in danger; if the situation looks violent it’s clearly not okay to put yourself in harms way. But it doesn’t hurt to ask if everyone is okay or find someone who may be able to help.
Don’t approach women when they’re alone if you do not know them! I don’t even believe I need to say this. As a woman, I can say that even with the best of intentions, men approaching me when I’m by myself is always frightening on some level. We don’t know who you are, or what you’re capable of. And yes; we assume the worst, because oftentimes the worst is what happens to women. Keep a distance.
These are just a few immediate things that come to mind, and most should be common sense. Prove “Not All Men” by living as a decent human being, respecting personal boundaries, holding other men (and yourself!) accountable for your words and behaviors; not virtue signaling with hashtags.
Caitriona Morgan:
Another woman is murdered, walking home at night. Our worst fear realized.
I’m never sure if men fully understand how exhausting it is to be a woman, especially at night.
You can be out having a great ole time, then your mind shifts to the time, your route home, who can walk home with you, fuck, do I have money for an uber.... Checking license plates, dropping pins, pretending to be on the phone. Going the long route home, staying in the middle of the road where it's brightly lit, walking shoulders back like a hard bitch, texting "back safe " calling the friends who didn’t text. I’m tired just typing it.
There is a lot men can do, but for now, not posting #notallmen would be lovely.
You may not see yourself in the horror and misogyny of recent events, but well done you for not killing someone.
If your immediate reaction is to feel uneasy, to proclaim loudly “not me!”, know you are diluting the message, you're making this about you. Your need to feel like a good guy is more important to you than amplifying a movement that could stop women from being raped and murdered. Shift that energy into lifting the voices of women, examining your behaviour and just for once, shutting the fuck up.
Kelsey Anderson:
"Not All Men" are the same men that think feminism takes something from them. It is telling that when violence happens against a woman, instead of being outraged, men ask for their egos to be assuaged, which overshadows and invalidates the original issue of violence against women. It is another obvious sign of how overreaching and ingrained patriarchy is.
It is irrelevant to declare that "not all men" are unsafe, because all men are a part of - and benefit largely from being - a class of people's that are the number one threat to the lives of women.
Just as we have to be actively "anti-racist", men have to be actively and vocally "anti-mysogonystic". Normalize the fuck out of calling other men on their sexism, their ignorance, their privilege and their harassment of femmes and non-binary and queer, etc peoples. For real, don't let that shit fly at all anymore. Be constantly aware of your own male privilege. Patriarchal attitudes and systems persevere only because of other men. Raise your sons to be respectful and kind to all people while never forgetting we raise our daughters to be constantly afraid of them. Listen to and believe women, especially about their boundaries, their trauma and how you can advocate for them while they fight against their own oppression.
It's not enough to not be "one of those men". You must work to make sure there aren't anymore of them or the system and culture that exalts them.
Again, thank you to every one of the above comrades for their time, perspective and input. I am well aware that this is definitely not enough but if anything I hope this can help as a start for my male comrades to think and act accordingly. Sit down, ask, learn and then change. It is not up to women, or anyone we as white men, structurally are protected from oppressing and harming to change, but us. That’s it. Please feel free to comment and share this if you like.
Johnson, Holly; Eriksson, Li; Mazerolle, Paul; Wortley, Richard (2017-04-07). "Intimate Femicide: The Role of Coercive Control" (PDF). Feminist Criminology.
This is a great piece. In Dublin this week a man was jailed for 6 years for trying to abduct a 69 year old woman on her morning walk. He had her in the boot of his car. Every woman you know has at least one scary story, usually more. It's exhausting trying to keep safe just living your life. We're tired
It’s not easy to examine your privilege- especially when life hasn’t given you many of them. Thanks for sharing. Passing this one on to my husband.